CLARIFYING THE AFFIRM STEP

The most challenging step in the D.A.D. Protocol is the Affirm step. It’s also a step that truly asks us to take the mindset that our parts want to be treated just like other people do,; that they have a psychology all their own. Internalizing this mindset is the key to being able to fruitfully do this work on your own, and so this step is presenting us with an opportunity. This prompt is intended to help you clarify this step in the protocol.

What are some of the things your more extreme defenders and inner critics say to you? What are some empathic responses you can offer back that affirm what this part is screaming about? When you offer such a response, what do you notice shifting? Is there any feedback from the defender? It might come in the form of sensations changing, different emotions arising, or “thoughts” aka this part saying things.

DEAR YOU,

After practicing Lovingkindness for Our Inner Children, pick one of the inner children you met along the way and write a letter to them.

Breathe and tune into self energy before beginning.

What would you like them to know? What sort of messages do they need to hear? Offer them the highest, most empathic love you can muster.

This doesn’t have to be fancy and this doesn’t have to take long if it feels like too much.

Or you can go slow and long and stop and feel and breathe (a lot) along the way.

TALKING TO THE INNER KIDS

Reflect on how Mr. Rogers’s mantras of “I love you just the way that you are,” and, “There’s no one else like you; that’s what makes you special,” were what you needed growing up. Reflect on how this might impact the way in which you approach your parts, how you might offer these attitudes and energies.

Tell us some of your thoughts here. Questioning this proposition is welcome. Complaints and gripes also! This is a space for process and all your thoughts and experiences are welcome here (and yet nothing is demanded of you).

BEFRIENDING THE BODYGAURDS

Imagine you have a bodyguard. Their only task is to keep you safe and away from pain, shame, and fearful situations — and by any means necessary. This bodyguard does an excellent job. In fact they do too good of a job because they’re even willing — paradoxically — to hurt you or cause distressing situations in order to keep you away from situations they think will be worse in the long run. Not only that, sometimes they sense trouble is around the corner even when it isn’t. When someone loves you, they only see how vulnerable that is and they become feisty. When you go to try something new or ambitious, they scream at you and pester you because they see that you might get hurt. They even stoop to manipulating you and telling you you’re not good enough and that you’re a total failure just to scare you into staying small, not try at all, and so that you stay on safe, familiar ground. In fact, most of the time, that’s where they keep you: in familiar territory that feels safe, known, not risky, and in situations where your efforts will be met with validation and praise from others. They constantly brace you against the world, make you a bit anxious, cause tension in your body, and repeat to you over and over again all the laundry lists and worries and plans you ought to get sorted out. This rarely if ever makes you truly happy, but, again, that’s the lesser of two evils. The diminishment of your pain is worth sacrificing your happiness to your bodyguard.

At times you seek to get rid of them. You’ve argued, yelled, read self-help books on how to shut them up or ignore them or even kill them… at yet you find that they are actually attached to you by a leash. You’re stuck with them, like it or not.

The only hope for relief is actually to befriend this bodyguard. If you befriend them, they might just hear you out about all the ways they can be a bit misguided. They might even begin to realize that you are pretty competent and resourceful when it comes to taking care of yourself. In fact, you’re getting better at it every single day.

You realize that they’ll never talk to you if you approach them resentment and animosity. And, anyways, theyir true desire is to do whatever it is they perceive will help. You finally relax out of your negative reaction towards them and you find a bit of appreciation towards them and maybe even good humor about the situation. You’re finally ready to talk to them — except, you’ve yelled at them and tried to get rid of them so many times, they don’t trust you and are even a bit upset with you.

So, from that place of appreciation, friendliness, and maybe even compassionate forgiveness, you set out resolve the relationship. What do you say? What might need to be said first in order for them to even be willing to listen? And, once they’re listening, what more could you say or ask them that might be conducive to getting them to become your ally? How might you earn their trust so they can relax more? Again, they will only listen if you maintain resolute friendliness towards them.

Please tell us below. There are no right or wrong answers, only process. Please enter your answers by Wednesday morning so they can inform our group call. This shouldn’t take more than 20 - 30 minutes at the most.

INNER CONVERSATIONS

Our strong habit is to turn away from our emotional experience. This past week we began turning towards it. This work can be challenging, beautiful, liberating, confusing, cathartic, overwhelming, joyful… And all of this is useful information. Our experience while doing this work is a communication we’re receiving from our bodies. This meaningful feedback from our own nervous systems and unconscious minds is information we actually can’t anywhere else. With that in mind, what’s it been like for you this week? What have you noticed? You can tell us in general, or, use these questions to guide you::

1.     What manager parts have you worked with?

2. What have they revealed to you about their jobs and what they’d rather be doing?

3. Are they “buying in” to the parts work process?

Journal privately for 10-20 minutes on this. Then share with the group whatever you feel is most appropriate. No TMI required :)

ON SELF-ENERGY

Stop, close your eyes, and contemplate a time in your life when you felt a genuine sense of caring for someone. It could be a time when you appreciated someone, were in admiration of them, or just plain loved them. What was it like? What was it like in your body? See if you can “open the file” of the feeling of caring on your body-mind’s desktop. Notice everything you can about the feeling, both in the space of awareness and in terms of physical sensation (softening, relaxing, tingling, sharp sensation, dull sensation, cool, warm, etc.) and where it was felt in the body. How might this relate to the concept of self-energy? Have you experienced this in your practice yet?

There are never right or wrong answers here in this forum. This will work differently for each of us.

SAY HELLO

Aside from our weekly calls, the discussion forum is our hub for connecting with one another as well as processing our experiences. Each week there will be a new journaling prompt connected to the course material. Please tell us a little about yourself and what brings you to this course in the comments section below. (Note: you may have to sign up for a free Squarespace account).